February 19th: Cafes and Wankers

There is an etiquette to cafes. I've only been in the industry a handful of years, but my ability to suffer fools who insist on encroaching on my life has dwindled from a once smouldering camp fire to the fizzle of a match thrown from a jetty to be swallowed and devoured by the moistness and the dampness of the Pacific Ocean. from inane, moronic orders to reverent disregard for the bog suckers who get paid to laugh at racist jokes, hospitality is the least fulfilling rent payer this side of prostitution.

They enter, glance for space, maybe smile the staff a polite hello cause mama raised 'em right, and then they claim their category - agreeable, or beast.

Agreeable customers make us say, "we like them. they can come back". Beasts earn carefully inoffensive bitch faces, raised tones, and curt, monosyllabic replies. "that'll be £4.50 (you little bitch come at me mother fucking) awesome honey we'll (little fucker) we'll bring that over for you".

It would be great to have an easily accessible information guide to answer the moronic questions asked daily.

If ordering a take away you must greet, order, pay, and stand in as non intrusive a hole as possible. Do not stand at the till, do not watch the barista making your coffee, and GIVE ME STRENGTH do not talk to the bastard making your coffee.

If you are paying separately, order separately. 

Do not order 'a coffee'.
(In the UK) flat white is strong white coffee. Latte is shit white coffee. Cappuccino is also shit white coffee, but with chocolate on top. Long black is good black, espresso based coffee. Americano is shit black coffee. Filter is batch brew, is made is bulk and, if done well, is life. Espresso is for wankers, the exhausted, and Europeans. Mochas are for 12 year olds and we do not talk about them.


There is no 'X' in espresso you sick fuckers.