November 21st: Liv Can Cook - Quinoa

My grip on what was once known as the 'Womanly Arts' is tenuous at best. I blame my eyesight (not my natural distaste for such work) for my disinclination to clean, and my flatmates, old, current, new, and repressed, relish in reminding me that there are certain things that I should not cook. Primly, quinoa.

I love quinoa. It's just little flavourless condoms boiled and poked into submission, a grain so trendy that Pinterest refers to it as godly and starving children once simply called it food. The grain that works to disenfranchise families who relied on it to survive and feed their families, now paying $10 a kilo (a many faceted issue). But I digress, and still love it, primarily because it's fun to say. Quinoa. Quinoa. Quuiiiiiiinoaaaaaaaa. And, ironically, it's super easy to make.

It could be argued that my reputation is not unearned, but it turned out fine and the gaseous smoke stank that filled our flat dissipated within a few months with the help of windows and a metric fuck-tonne of Febreeze. But tonight I'll show those friends I endearingly insult. Those bastards will be hit by a flurry of flavour so intoxicating they'll believe I sprinkled heroine up in that shit. This bitch is making quinoa.

Ingredients:
500ml water
300g white quinoa
100g red quinoa
2 garlic cloves (crushed and diced)
1 little onion (diced)
2 tins kidney beans
handful of chopped green beans
fuck tonne of Cajun seasoning
fuck ounce of smoked paprika
bit of spinach
three fresh tomatoes, diced
salt and pepper to taste
heroine

DO IT:
Pop the quinoas and water in a pot over a medium-high heat. Chuck in the garlic and onion. Stir. Wait. Pop a beer. Continue waiting. Stir a bit. Go to the living room. Watch BoJack Horseman. Forget about the quinoa. Drop your phone, hear it smash a little more, and run to the kitchen. The quinoa is still boiling. You've made it just in time. Stir twice in either direction, scraping the charred black bulbs from the bottom and getting them all up in that quinoay goodness. Go get your phone. Open another beer. Continue watching BoJack, this time while stirring the quinoa. Note how the new crack always splinters across BoJacks face while leaving Todd and Mr Peanut-Butter practically uncut. Note the symmetry of fiction and reality. Contemplate how life would be different if you yourself were in a television show, who would be splintered? Would you escape like Todd and Mr Peanut-Butter? Or would your view from that tiny screen always be distorted through broken glass? Continue stirring. When most of the water is boiled away, put the diced tomatoes in, put the kidney beans in, and season to taste. If your friends are cool add some Tabasco, if they don't like spicy food, cut them loose you don't need that negativity in your life. Throw green beans in, keep cooking, and serve when green beans are still crunchy. Sprinkle heroine and spinach to taste.

Serve on a burrito for a culturally bastardised 'fusion' dish, or just serve on a piece of toast, or nothing at all. Your way to inflict suffering on your friends is YOURS and you should claim it as such.